If Our Partners Do Not Appreciate What We Do At Home During Maternity Or Paternity Leave

Sometimes certain words or reproaches such as “but a baby eats and just sleeps” come up that really hit us. Believe it or not, there are such partners. Partners who do not value parenthood in the first few months, when the physical and emotional exertion can be just as strenuous as an 8-hour job despite being on vacation.

Of course, we are not only talking about maternity leave but also about paternity leave, because this is a decision that affects both mothers and fathers . One thing should be clear: even though we don’t go to work, our job is just as important. And when we are exhausted at the end of the day it has a more than obvious justification that we talked about here on “ I am mother ”. It is unfair when others do not appreciate our performance  . 

We have to realize that a couple is a team. If the basis of this mutual project, which should be based on reciprocity, care and empathy, does not exist, it will undoubtedly be very difficult to raise a child in the best possible conditions. Because if the mother or father feels alone and misunderstood in the care task while the other spouse goes to work, these negative emotions can seriously endanger the relationship.

We invite you to think about it with us.

When our partners don’t value our work

All couples are different. There are wonderful and extraordinary spouses with whom one can lead a harmonious life in perfect harmony. In which there are no allegations, where the classic sentence “I help my wife or I support my husband or my partner in her or his tasks” is never uttered .

Nobody helps nobody because they both think that being a family is a joint project that combines effort and sacrifice. The arrangements are made before the baby is born. And if one of the two chooses maternity or paternity leave, or even stays at home for a few years to raise the children, the other also takes on his role and respects the spouse.

But there are also many couples who do not see this situation that way. It is mostly women – and some men – who devote 24 hours to caring for newborns and sometimes feel misunderstood. They feel that their partners don’t value them.

“ My mother raised 5 children and never complained ”. ” But if a baby just sleeps and eats, you can’t complain .” ” You sit all day and I have to be on my feet and work all day .”

These sentences are hurtful to the point where they sometimes affect children’s upbringing. Because sad mothers or fathers do not give the child their best. We should take that into account.

When mom or dad feel “trapped”

You come home and dinner isn’t ready. The laundry has not been washed or the house is not clean. Have you been so busy all day?

It is very possible that our spouses only see this, and they may not appreciate or see that the baby is sleeping peacefully and contentedly after a day of colic. Happy because it feels and knows that it is loved.

• If these situations repeat themselves day in and day out, the mothers or fathers who are on maternity or paternity leave will feel terribly constrained and even trapped. Because their job, their beautiful upbringing, is not valued. Because the people they love most, their partners, don’t value their work.
• The hypervigilance we are exposed to in the first months and years of the child means that our stress levels are always high. We are afraid of falls, we fear that the baby is not eating enough or that he is not sleeping enough. We fear risks and we watch our child every second of the day.

• If, in addition to this, our partner accuses us of neglecting the house or doesn’t understand that we are complaining about being tired, then something is wrong. They don’t value us, we don’t get respect, and that’s a complex problem to respond to.

I’m at home, but my work is just as important

Perhaps the couple made an agreement: I’ll go on maternity or paternity leave and you will work. Our partner is responsible for providing financial support to the home, but we are doing an equal or even more important task: bringing up, caring for and loving the new life that shapes the couple’s relationship itself.

Therefore, it is important that the following things are clear:

• Raising a child is not a job, it is part of our lives. It’s a job that keeps us busy 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
• Having a child means investing in the future, time, love and dedication. If there is no reciprocity in the couple, these premises will be difficult to implement and there will not be a good atmosphere in which we can give our child the best.
• The housework is secondary. Our priority is the baby. If our partner comes home and the laundry isn’t ironed, it doesn’t mean that we haven’t done anything all day.

Every mother or father has the right to say at the end of the day that they are tired. You have the same rights as the person who worked all day. And that they complain doesn’t mean they love their child less. They are just looking for emotional relief and of course they deserve their partner’s understanding.